WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — On the heels of forming its new WikiLeaks Task Force (WTF), the CIA said it was establishing a new division called Stop Terrorists From Uniting (STFU).
CIA director Leon Panetta spoke about the agency’s plans for both WTF and STFU at the CIA’s new headquarters, the Langley Operations Location (LOL).
“We are very excited about these new divisions,” Mr. Panetta said. “Here at LOL, the words on everyone’s lips are WTF and STFU.”
via Andy Borowitz: CIA Forms New Division, Stop Terrorists From Uniting (STFU).
In a performance guaranteed to raise some eyebrows in Delaware and beyond, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell said at a senatorial debate last night that she strongly supports “the separation of speech and thought.”
“To tell you the truth, I don’t know if there’s anything about that in the Constitution,” she added. “In the version of the Constitution that I read, Big Bird didn’t mention it.”
Ms. O’Donnell seemed stumped when the moderator asked whether there were any Supreme Court decisions she disagreed with, finally blurting out, “Ali v. Frazier.”
Her halting answers to many of the questions made some wonder why she had not written answers on her hand as her role model Sarah Palin has been known to do, but Ms. O’Donnell offered this explanation: “As you know, I believe it’s immoral to use your hand to help yourself.”
At the conclusion of the debate, Ms. O’Donnell pronounced herself pleased with her performance, saying that she would spend the next week concentrating on her Halloween costume: “I’m going as a qualified candidate.”
via Borowitz Report.
CUPERTINO, CA (The Borowitz Report) – At a much-anticipated press conference at Apple headquarters, company founder Steve Jobs defended the performance of the new iPhone today, telling reporters that “it works great except for the ‘phone’ feature.”
Mr. Jobs downplayed the problems with the iPhone, noting that many consumers own iPhones for months before realizing that the device contains a phone.
“The most important features of the iPhone, like the app that gives you a robot voice, work better than ever,” Mr. Jobs said.
The Apple founder said that the company would be offering a fix to consumers who actually want to use their iPhone as a phone: “It’s a special attachment that allows you to plug your iPhone into a landline.” More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has “one of the funniest Twitter feeds around.” Follow Andy on Twitter here.
via Andy Borowitz: Apple Says iPhone Works Perfectly Except for “Phone” Feature.